Sunday, October 13, 2013

Analysis of Albinism among a Heterogeneous Species Population in Descending Order from Cutest to Most Stomach-Turning

1) Peacock:  Arresting, rare, elegant.

2) Lion:  Regal, powerful, drowsy.

3) Baby Deer:  Fragile, cotton-candy flavored, size 11.

4) Sea Turtle:  Actually, this guy should be pushed up a few pegs because he doesn’t have pink eyes, which would be extra-weird on a turtle.

5) Hedgehog:  Do I pet it? Or douse it with BedHeadTM first?

6) The Pumpkin:  They’re supposed to be orange for a reason.

7) Porpoise:  Or maybe this is a beluga whale.
Doesn’t matter—you can trust it not to eat your kid.

8) Whatever The Hell This Is 
(It is shocked that it’s only number 8 on the list.)

9) Squirrel:  One bit me—an actual albino squirrel—
bit me in the courtyard of my college campus once.
He was really easy to point out to the horned owl living in the clock-tower…

10) Alligator:  Alligators move only when they have to.
So it doesn’t help that this one looks like he’s made of marble.

11) Lobster:  When you boil it, it still screams in ear-splitting,
soul-wrenching agony like a regular lobster.

12) Snake:  I love snakes. But not this one.

13) Catfish:  It’s like a flaccid alabaster penis with razor-sharp whiskers, plus triangles.
…And why is this guy so good at catching albino marine life?

And lastly…
14) The Ape, followed only by The Human. I’m sorry, it’s just how it is.

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