Tuesday, September 21, 2010

To All Spammers Of The World

You have presented my Facebook friends with certain notions, purportedly written by me, threatening to make my voice fraudulent and dubious.

It is my understanding that the man with the scythe is about to mow you under; syphilis left unchecked can leave a hefty mark. I also understand that you have two children whom you’ve never loved and do not want. You should have pulled out, just like your father. Under normal circumstances I would regard yours a tragic situation. But having witnessed the vile means by which you scratch to make a living, let me speak for the world at large and say at once that your departure is everybody’s good fortune.

You can’t redeem yourself… in any way. I suggest you concentrate on the business of putting your idiotic soul in order these last days before you leave a world that sighs with relief at your termination. I wish I could honestly say that I hate to see you go, but for the rest of us it will be a sort of cleansing euthanasia. I wish too that, like myself, you could endow posterity with something like a monument to your days upon this earth. But since this is so obviously impossible, let me urge you to be without bitterness in your final days. Destiny has indeed been unkind to you. Like the rest of the world, I suppose you too are glad that in a short time all will be finished, and the pixilated ink stains you’ve spattered all over cyberspace will never be examined from a larger view. You are a maggot. I speak for all sensible, civilized men and women when I urge you to burn every record of your existence and thereafter stay away from keyboards and flatscreens. If you own a camera, the same holds true, because even taking a photo of yourself in a mirror would disgrace humanity. If, however, you persist in your pitiful exploit of falsifying my identity in order to mislead and hoodwink others, then by all means, come to my house and introduce yourself. At this point I find you at least amusing. Not deliberately, of course.

Signed,
Fuck Off

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Craigslist Scam Artists Are Alarmingly Unintelligent

So I've tried to sell some crap on Craigslist lately. It doesn't matter what I was selling because it became clear that the pirates who wanted my "stuff"--whatever that might be--were actually shooting for identity theft. You don't have to be friends with Michael Sabo to know this, which I am. But these jokers are idiots. I say they're idiots because they expect me to be an idiot, and this insults my intellect.

Following are two replies I receieved from these sharks, and my rebuttal.

The first is from "Martin" whose email is alex.chris010@gmail.com. Nothing fishy about that.

Hello.

I really appreciate your response to my email. I want you to consider it sold, pls do withdraw the advert from craigslist to avoid disturbance. I want you to know that i will be paying via bank certified check. I will like you to provide me with the following information to facilitate the mailing of the check to you.

1.....Full name to write on the check
2.....Full Physical address to post the check
3.....City, State and Zip Code
4.....Home & Cell Phone to contact you

Note that the payment will be shipped to your address via UPS NEXTDAY SERVICE and I will like you to know that you will not be responsible for shipping. i will have my mover come over as soon as you have cashed the check.

Thanks God Bless.

God bless my ass. Not only was this effrontery ridiculous, it was also heinous to read. As an editor, I could hardly stomach the typography. I had to fix some of it just to make it legible and post this.

I replied asking Martin/Alex if he knew what I was selling.

Of course, he said, it's the autographed basketball, signed by Rick Pitino and Denny Crum. When can I pick it up? Please provide your inforamaton so I cn make the certified chek.

My reply:

Let me make this clear: FUCK OFF.

You dumbass scammer cunt. What kind of a fool do you think I am? I don't even wish you good luck, because I know you prey on idtiots, and you haven't found one in me, jackass. You do nothing but insult the human race. Just swallow a turd-filled condom and choke on it. You're fucking absurd. Also, I'm now going to envision myself tea-bagging you, and your mother. I'll drag my huge ballsack from your mouth to hers, and if either of you bite down, you'll both lose your feet, because I'll have wrapped them in slice-wire that constricts at the push of a button. Fuck you for even having your auto-response reply to my ad. I hope you find some other--legitimate--way to make a living. You sack of maggoty shit. You loser. Piss off.

A friend reminded me that this guy could take out a restraining order on me, or if anything violent happened to him, I could become a suspect. I felt bad about it. So I wrote him an apology and blamed it on stress.

...On the other hand, fuck him.

The next bastard to send such a missive came thus:

From: Jeff Waltman [tundares9@gmail.com]

Hello.

I really appreciate your response to my email and i am sorry for my late response. I want you to consider it sold, Pls do withdrawthe advert from CL to avoid disturbances, anyway i should have comedown to come and look at it but I don't have time to come over to takea look due to my Business transactions that makes me busy but you don't need bto bother yourself with that and also the shipment I'lltake care of that by engaging the services of a mover, so I'll besending a certified bank check and it will be delivered to you viaUnited Parcel Service (UPS), so I'll need you to provide me with me with more pictures and the following information to facilitate themailing of the check.

...Full name on theFull Physical address to post the check City, State and Zip Code Home & Cell Phone to contact you. Note that the payment will be shipped to your address via UPS NEXT DAYAIR SERVICE and I will like you to know that you will not beresponsible for shipping i will have my mover to come over as soon asyou have cashed the check.

N.B: UPS does not deliver to a P.O box addresses. Thanks and hope to hear from you as soon as possible.

Same formula? Same person? Who knows. But this time I took it a bit easier on the asshole. I wrote back to Jeff.

Dear Jeff,

Hey.

Fuck you.

Chris

Nota Bene: The autographed basketball is not for sale.