Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Jeans Style Correlation with Generational Ball Shrinkage

Since adulthood I've struggled with finding jeans that fit. You know, ones that aren’t like all baggy in the ass, aren’t too loose on my waist, and yet don’t squish my junk. Levi's are especially confounding. I've tried 505s, 501s, 514s, and a few others; I thought I’d exhausted all options. So today I went directly to the source. I’m glad it was a dude on the other end. Although that wouldn’t have changed my question.

I’m pretty sure my balls are no bigger than average for someone my age—in fact, they may be smaller than average. But if Regular Fit (505) is so ball room deficient, how do hipsters tolerate skinny jeans?

My theory: Owed to dependence on technological advances, less demand for physical labor among whiteys, and increased pussification, there has been an accelerated decline in ball size correlated by generation during the 20th and 21st centuries. That is, the Greatest Generation (huge balls)... Baby Boomers (regular size, Goldilocks size)... Generation X (smaller, including mine)... Millennials (tiny balls).*

Anyway, I never would have guessed 569 was the style to get for that. Seen them in stores but the signs don’t say, “Extra ball room.” So how could you know? In fact, this is what the sign should look like at Kohl’s.

And it cannot be by coincidence that the number most associated with genitalia (69) is ascribed to these jeans.

*No offense Millennials. Keep in mind that my hypotheses are founded only on my unimpeachable ability to amuse myself, and I am full of shit.