Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Badass Chicken For Sale

In the picture, it’s the one on the left.

All I can tell you is that this chicken is pretty much bad-ass. Last spring he foiled the attempt of some asshole who was trying to steal my World Wrestling Federation figurine collection. Badass Chicken sat idly by, staring at the assailant prowling through my window. But then he smote the bastard by giving him a crippling case of kidney stones. When I arrived shortly afterward, I had to call an ambulance because the guy was slumped in an embryonic posture on my living room floor. He was whooped! You wouldn’t expect projectile vomiting from kidney stones, but it happened.

Also, I was driving him around during rush hour (I think it's a he) when I had a blowout on the Jersey Turnpike. Badass Chicken changed the tire no problem. AAA would have taken hours. While he was at it, he also installed a hands-free Bluetooth receiver, which was nice.

One day my dickhead neighbor Ben came over. He looks like some kind of ten-year-old Paul Giamatti, because he's only ten, but man is he a dick. Throwing dog turds at my new vinyl siding, holding down the cat and farting on his head. That kind of stuff. Badass Chicken had enough of his shit. He squared up his beak and hocked a loog, and it landed squarely on Ben's chin, and it was one of those extra-sticky lemonade goobers so it dangled from Ben’s chin like chin-nuts. Ben was so embarrassed and traumatized that he burst into tears and ran home, snot-chin-nuts a dangling.

Probably what's most awesome is that Badass Chicken laid six eggs made of uranium. Do you know what that costs per ounce? Not much, but it’s fucking uranium. Its (mis)use could result in Americans speaking Chinese or Persian! And how do you safely handle a highly reactive chemical compound? I don't own a hazmat suit and respirator. Badass Chicken felt for me: he crushed his own eggs with his beak and snorted the whole pile of uranium dust, just to get rid of it. Then he winked at me. I tell you, that's quality stuff.

Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that Badass Chicken has X-ray vision—or maybe even MRI vision. Further disclosure upon inquiry...