Monday, September 19, 2016

True Facts About The Three-Legged Dog

I made this about my boy, Griffin, emulating the brilliant Ze Frank. and his True Facts... series.

Two sequels forthcoming...

Friday, July 15, 2016

Invoice to Mayor Greg Fischer for Unnecessary Fuel Consumption


July 15, 2016

The Office of Mayor Greg Fischer
527 W Jefferson Street # 600
Louisville, KY 40202

Dear Mayor Fischer,

I find it unacceptable that today I spent precisely 59 minutes driving around Louisville in order to transport myself a total of 5.7 miles to my destination. This was due to an egregious lack of communication from city officials regarding the stupid Forecastle event (which is actually pretty awesome), including the countless roadblocks and construction sites that inhibited my vector.

Upon leaving my office in Old Louisville at exactly 5:00 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time, I made the mistake of driving my jalopy to Brook Street in an attempt to connect with Witherspoon and then River Road. Whilst on Brook Street, I was shocked to discover a mass egress of pedestrians leaving the Waterfront area, whence I sat at the corner of Brook and Market for like 20 minutes. At one point, I thought I might die in my car—not from a wreck, but from old age. Further, I was waaaay more shocked to find that Witherspoon was actually blockaded for southbound travel, so I found myself trapped in a dead-end impasse like a rat in a maze, with no cheese at the end!

Inset of Chris’s crappy waste-of-time downtown journey today.

I was utterly stunned that there were no road signs nor public messaging that I would encounter a roadblock. Holy shit! How can this be? I thought. Fortunately, I managed to snake my way out of that mess (because I am a genius) and went, yes, 12.9 miles out of my way to not sit in traffic with the rest of those suckers. I drove north, then west, then south. Then east, then north again.

During this process, I witnessed six near-collisions—including two with me—and watched two people on foot nearly be murdered by drivers who were (rightfully so) luxuriating in their road rage. Fortunately, I myself can remain cool under these extreme circumstances. (You should hire me.)

The deals is: This bootless errand could have been avoided with proper messaging and public awareness. Thereby, and herewith, I am invoicing the City of Louisville for precisely 1.2 gallons of fuel for my Honda Civic. By today’s local prices, that equates to (12.9 miles / 29 MPG  = 0.4448275862068966 x $2.25 =) $1.00*

I want to thank you for your exemplary leadership of our fair city, and for your attention to this matter.

   Warm regards,
WAARLOWE Q. JOHNSON

* $1.000862068965517 to be accurate. I rounded down for your convenience.