Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Badass Chicken For Sale

In the picture, it’s the one on the left.

All I can tell you is that this chicken is pretty much bad-ass. Last spring he foiled the attempt of some asshole who was trying to steal my World Wrestling Federation figurine collection. Badass Chicken sat idly by, staring at the assailant prowling through my window. But then he smote the bastard by giving him a crippling case of kidney stones. When I arrived shortly afterward, I had to call an ambulance because the guy was slumped in an embryonic posture on my living room floor. He was whooped! You wouldn’t expect projectile vomiting from kidney stones, but it happened.

Also, I was driving him around during rush hour (I think it's a he) when I had a blowout on the Jersey Turnpike. Badass Chicken changed the tire no problem. AAA would have taken hours. While he was at it, he also installed a hands-free Bluetooth receiver, which was nice.

One day my dickhead neighbor Ben came over. He looks like some kind of ten-year-old Paul Giamatti, because he's only ten, but man is he a dick. Throwing dog turds at my new vinyl siding, holding down the cat and farting on his head. That kind of stuff. Badass Chicken had enough of his shit. He squared up his beak and hocked a loog, and it landed squarely on Ben's chin, and it was one of those extra-sticky lemonade goobers so it dangled from Ben’s chin like chin-nuts. Ben was so embarrassed and traumatized that he burst into tears and ran home, snot-chin-nuts a dangling.

Probably what's most awesome is that Badass Chicken laid six eggs made of uranium. Do you know what that costs per ounce? Not much, but it’s fucking uranium. Its (mis)use could result in Americans speaking Chinese or Persian! And how do you safely handle a highly reactive chemical compound? I don't own a hazmat suit and respirator. Badass Chicken felt for me: he crushed his own eggs with his beak and snorted the whole pile of uranium dust, just to get rid of it. Then he winked at me. I tell you, that's quality stuff.

Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that Badass Chicken has X-ray vision—or maybe even MRI vision. Further disclosure upon inquiry...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Crude, Arrogant, Pig-headed Scoundrel Seeks Piglet...

[Ah Tinder... Surely this winsome pitch will reel in that special someone.]

I'm indignant, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, misogynistic, spotty, scheming, and totally odorous. I'm lousy in the sack because I'm just out to get mine. I have upwards of nine illegitimate children (who cares?) and while I do hold a Doctorate in Indological and Far-Eastern Studies, I cheated my way through school to get it.

I have a criminal record of public intoxication and violence. I once swallowed a guy's goldfish because he owed me drug money. While in jail that night, I started a riot by convincing the prison cell crackhead that he was abducted, and surrounded, by aliens. I later forced myself to vomit on my friend's pregnant wife while she was suffering from morning sickness (with my kid). Wanted to watch her puke.

I have a nullified concept of human decency and dignity. I hate sunsets, flowers, children, animals, and people who work for the Peace Corps and Home of The Innocents. I once told a 95-pound girl wrapped in Saran Wrap at a Halloween Party that she looked fat in low density polyethylene. Religion is fine--as long as you accept Asmodeus as the True Lord of both kingdoms. I've made fun of retards in front of their parents and ran away like a coward. I've stolen more thermoses and sleeping bags than I can count from homeless people, and just threw them into traffic. Also, I always leave the seat UP.

My experience as a Neo-Nazi Klansman informs pretty much my entire worldview. In spite of this, I'm so resolutely detached that even if a huge existential vacuum opens up an inescapable fissure in the earth before me, I won't care if I get sucked in. Moo, bray, snort, etc....

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Things My Friend Charlie Peterschmidt Hates: A Text-Message Epistolary

Random text from him today:

CP: Did you find out?

Me: Find out what?

CP: About the neighbor with Tourette’s. Does he have Tourrette’s?

Me: I didn’t ask him, but I’m pretty sure that’s the case. There are random shouts of unfettered rage and hostility from across the apartment complex parking lot.

Charlie's reply was:

Man I wish I lived next door to him. …By the way, I hate people who drink coffee from a mug and hold it by the handle and ‘slurp’ their coffee from it. Hate them.

Along those lines, he once told me that if he sees someone take a long pull from a beer stein at a bar, draining the glass, and then slamming it on the bar and saying with a curled lip, the word, “Pub!” that he’ll have a stroke.

Later, whilst watching a basketball game, Charlie delivers to me the following:

“Sea cucumbers are more relevant to this world than Rutgers basketball.”

“Their fans are actually cheering. What do they have to cheer about!?!?!!! Huh!!? You’re down 14… but when you score it’s such a god damn miracle, you go crazy… Yell it up in your stupid high school gym. It’s like we’re playing the dredges [sic] of society.”

“It pisses me off that they have fan support.”

Whilst watching a different basketball game (Notre Dame v. Villanova), Charlie provides:

“Little fucking Leprechaun fans dancing around… so happy. If I was there I would gag myself on purpose to puke on them.”

On poor officiating:

“I’m so mad I can’t feel my face.”

Hair that jiggles.

CP (shaking me affectionately by the shoulders): "It's been good to see you, buddy. (Eyes widening). But your hair... you need a haircut. It looks like if somebody hit you in the head with a basketball right now, your hair would jiggle all over. It looks like... like... well, like something that would piss me off."

"If I see someone hold their pinky out while they drink tea or coffee, I'm breaking it."

"Know what I hate? When people take a long drink of something refreshing, especially a carbonated beverage or a cold beer or even Gatorade--if they drink it and then go, 'Ahhhhghgh' afterward--then I hate them. Hate them."

Myriad random texts:

I still hate Michael Dukakis… I saw a picture of him and it reminded me of how much I hate him. (May 2011)

You know what pisses me off? When I can look at a random white person... i.e., anyone not of African-American or Mexican decent... no color in their skin... just like you and me... and I can tell that they aren't American... Like if I saw some white dude and before he even opened his mouth... if I could tell he was Norwegian... that would piss me off. If you are going to be white, you need to look like us. (July 2011)

CP: What is more unacceptable than an adult with a pophft* haircut that moves when he moves?...
Me: Driving right now.  Need a minute to think...
CP: Times up!!  ...The answer is a child with a pophft haircut. As in my neighbor's son prancing around in his front yard, big head and pophft hair flailing around on top of his weak neck in his tight long pant underoos, making his legs appear even skinnier and his head even bigger.  ...Disgust...  It should be mandatory for all kids to have buzz cuts until their body catches up to their awkwardly big heads.  (Derby Day, 2012).

*Pophft: The image below exhibits a *pophft haircut on an adult male.



What also pisses me off is when you go through a drive-thru like at McDonald's, and they put the receipt into your hand BEFORE your change... thus causing the loose change to land on the paper and fall out of your hand. Plus, why do you need a receipt from McDonald's?
Something else... 12-packs of Coke that aren't opened properly and with care, in order for the cans to roll forward as intended by the designer.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Porn Flakes and Crabs Macaroni & Dickcheese

< < < WARNING: Adult content. > > >
During the winter of 2001, I was in between jobs. To tie me over whilst unemployed, a former colleague invited me to babysit his eBay-based business that sold reconditioned laptops out of his apartment while he took a trip to Cancun with his new dame. A good man, that Jay Hornswoggle.

What did Jay have in his creaky Old Louisville apartment, under his mattress? Porn mags. Actual slicks that, incomprehensibly, they continued to publish and sell at Blue Movies in the year 2001 (before they tore down Blue Movies and replaced it with a sports bar). This was also ironic because Jay had a pretty solid internet connection for 2001.

Upon ensuring that none of Jay’s porn mags’ pages were stuck together, and now touched by his entrepreneurial spirit, I got the idea to devise my own product line. All I needed was scissors, glue, and an inkjet printer... plus some common groceries I could buy at the Kroghetto down the street. Upon completion, I didn’t use Jay’s eBay account to try to sell my wares, but I did put them up for auction under my own name.

Here was my pitch:

*** Porn Flakes ***
 *** Crabs Macaroni & Dickcheese ***
 *** ButtNuggets and PubeCakes ***


Don't miss your chance to get these
authentic 100% unique novelty products.
No others like them in the world.
"Perfect gifts for the depraved, disgusting,
social degenerate in your life."
These fine antiquities, hand-crafted in the USA,
date as far back as 1994.

All items bundled for one sale.

Sold AS IS… 
(Some items slightly worn from the natural decomposition
caused by sitting quietly in a closet.) 
Must be 18 to purchase.

~~  PLUS  ~~

Order now to receive this special bonusa rare collector’s item.*

A genuine TERMINATOR 2 holographic wristwatch!

 *Probably not a collector’s item.

[April 12, 2014]
The Sta-Green® company yoinked my trade name.

That's ok.
They specialize in treating a different kind of undergrowth.

[May 13, 2014]
My friend just reminded me of a time 20 years ago, when I would write the names of some of these yummy treats on my poor mom's grocery list.
I'll never forget her coming home from Kroger and telling me, "I couldn't find Areola Rounds."