Saturday, June 11, 2011

Crude, Arrogant, Pig-headed Scoundrel Seeks Piglet...

[Ah Tinder... Surely this winsome pitch will reel in that special someone.]

I'm indignant, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, misogynistic, spotty, scheming, and totally odorous. I'm lousy in the sack because I'm just out to get mine. I have upwards of nine illegitimate children (who cares?) and while I do hold a Doctorate in Indological and Far-Eastern Studies, I cheated my way through school to get it.

I have a criminal record of public intoxication and violence. I once swallowed a guy's goldfish because he owed me drug money. While in jail that night, I started a riot by convincing the prison cell crackhead that he was abducted, and surrounded, by aliens. I later forced myself to vomit on my friend's pregnant wife while she was suffering from morning sickness (with my kid). Wanted to watch her puke.

I have a nullified concept of human decency and dignity. I hate sunsets, flowers, children, animals, and people who work for the Peace Corps and Home of The Innocents. I once told a 95-pound girl wrapped in Saran Wrap at a Halloween Party that she looked fat in low density polyethylene. Religion is fine--as long as you accept Asmodeus as the True Lord of both kingdoms. I've made fun of retards in front of their parents and ran away like a coward. I've stolen more thermoses and sleeping bags than I can count from homeless people, and just threw them into traffic. Also, I always leave the seat UP.

My experience as a Neo-Nazi Klansman informs pretty much my entire worldview. In spite of this, I'm so resolutely detached that even if a huge existential vacuum opens up an inescapable fissure in the earth before me, I won't care if I get sucked in. Moo, bray, snort, etc....

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