UK - UofL 2012 Basketball Season Fun Factor Graph

I read Dennis K. Berman’s Wall Street Journal article Why You Should Feel Sorry for Kentucky Fans and I had to graph it out.

  

And then of course UK beat UofL with relative ease (as they subsequently did Kansas) so I had to update the graph.

Badass Chicken For Sale

In the picture, it’s the one on the left.

All I can tell you is that this chicken is pretty much bad-ass. Last spring he foiled the attempt of some asshole who was trying to steal my World Wrestling Federation figurine collection. Badass Chicken sat idly by, staring at the assailant prowling through my window. But then he smote the bastard by giving him a crippling case of kidney stones. When I arrived shortly afterward, I had to call an ambulance because the guy was slumped in an embryonic posture on my living room floor. He was whooped! You wouldn’t expect projectile vomiting from kidney stones, but it happened.

Also, I was driving him around during rush hour (I think it's a he) when I had a blowout on the Jersey Turnpike. Badass Chicken changed the tire no problem. AAA would have taken hours. While he was at it, he also installed a hands-free Bluetooth receiver, which was nice.

One day my dickhead neighbor Ben came over. He looks like some kind of ten-year-old Paul Giamatti, because he's only ten, but man is he a dick. Throwing dog turds at my new vinyl siding, holding down the cat and farting on his head. That kind of stuff. Badass Chicken had enough of his shit. He squared up his beak and hocked a loog, and it landed squarely on Ben's chin, and it was one of those extra-sticky lemonade goobers so it dangled from Ben’s chin like chin-nuts. Ben was so embarrassed and traumatized that he burst into tears and ran home, snot-chin-nuts a dangling.

Probably what's most awesome is that Badass Chicken laid six eggs made of uranium. Do you know what that costs per ounce? Not much, but it’s fucking uranium. Its (mis)use could result in Americans speaking Chinese or Persian! And how do you safely handle a highly reactive chemical compound? I don't own a hazmat suit and respirator. Badass Chicken felt for me: he crushed his own eggs with his beak and snorted the whole pile of uranium dust, just to get rid of it. Then he winked at me. I tell you, that's quality stuff.

Plus, I have a sneaking suspicion that Badass Chicken has X-ray vision—or maybe even MRI vision. Further disclosure upon inquiry...

Crude, Arrogant, Pig-headed Scoundrel Seeks Piglet...

[Ah Tinder... Surely this winsome pitch will reel in that special someone.]

I'm indignant, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, misogynistic, spotty, scheming, and totally odorous. I'm lousy in the sack because I'm just out to get mine. I have upwards of nine illegitimate children (who cares?) and while I do hold a Doctorate in Indological and Far-Eastern Studies, I cheated my way through school to get it.

I have a criminal record of public intoxication and violence. I once swallowed a guy's goldfish because he owed me drug money. While in jail that night, I started a riot by convincing the prison cell crackhead that he was abducted, and surrounded, by aliens. I later forced myself to vomit on my friend's pregnant wife while she was suffering from morning sickness (with my kid). Wanted to watch her puke.

I have a nullified concept of human decency and dignity. I hate sunsets, flowers, children, animals, and people who work for the Peace Corps and Home of The Innocents. I once told a 95-pound girl wrapped in Saran Wrap at a Halloween Party that she looked fat in low density polyethylene. Religion is fine--as long as you accept Asmodeus as the True Lord of both kingdoms. I've made fun of retards in front of their parents and ran away like a coward. I've stolen more thermoses and sleeping bags than I can count from homeless people, and just threw them into traffic. Also, I always leave the seat UP.

My experience as a Neo-Nazi Klansman informs pretty much my entire worldview. In spite of this, I'm so resolutely detached that even if a huge existential vacuum opens up an inescapable fissure in the earth before me, I won't care if I get sucked in. Moo, bray, snort, etc....