Casualties of Want

My graduate program thesis.
Copyright May 2001.

Pig Toss!

A game I invented with friends, under extremely dubious circumstances. I in no way encourage playing this game. But it is the funnest drinking game ever made. (Yes, funnest.)

Pig Toss!
© Waarlowe 2013





Objective
The objective of Pig Toss! is to throw the pig and make it land on its feet. Any number of players is permissible, and this version is for players aged 21 and up.

Instructions

1)     Go to Feeder’s Supply and find the dog toy section. Purchase a rubber pig for $8.99.

2)     Take home pig.

3)     Have sex with pig to warm it up.

4)     Pig Toss! is an indoor game. Any surface will do (hardwood, laminate, carpet of any type, garage floor, etc.). Grass and irregular outdoor surfaces won’t work very well for getting the pig to land on his hooves.*

5)     Determine a scratch line in your room. The scratch line cannot be crossed when a player tosses the pig.

6)     Use a wall (or the back of a couch) as a target for throwing the pig. If using a couch, the pig must hit the couch.**

7)     The scratch line must be 15 to 21 feet from the target, depending on how much space you have available.

8)     Players take turns in a consistent order to toss the pig.

9)     One toss per player per round.

10)  The pig must be tossed underhanded, although hiking the pig is also permissible.

11)  For the purposes of this game, a drink is quantified as one ounce or more.

12)  Any violation of these rules results in the tosser having one drink.

Scoring

1)     If the pig lands on his hooves, everyone but the tosser drinks one drink.

2)     If the pig lands upside down (on his back), the tosser drinks one drink.

3)     If the pig lands on his side, it’s a push; nothing happens and the next player in the rotation gets to toss.

4)     If the pig lands against the target surface with either two hooves on the couch or wall, or his snout against the couch or wall, this is regarded as a leaner. Everyone but the tosser drinks two drinks.***

5)     If the pig lands facing skyward (on his butt with his snout upright), it’s a social and everyone drinks one drink.

6)     **If a player misses the couch, she must drink the remainder of her beverage.

7)     ***If the pig lands on its snout with four hooves against the couch or wall, everyone gets naked.

* Similarly, for the purposes of maximizing the potential positions in which the pig can land, it is recommended to play on a flat (non-carpeted surface, except perhaps for Berber). 

How Much Will Your Taxes Jump (into the Hudson River)?

Actual graphic from the Wall Street Journal (January 4, 2013)...

I wonder if the artist was given strict guidance on emotional conveyance for these renderings. Was the WSJ Editor-In-Chief hovering over his shoulder with a bullwhip? Or did this not-so-starving artist have his own beef with the projected tax hikes in Obama's second term? The artist did a knockout job. Their sad faces impale my soul. I’d like to pencil in some thought bubbles, and here’s what they’d say.

 
“As a single mother bringing in over a quarter-mil, I just don’t know how I’m going to feed my two kids, pay their tuition at Léman Manhattan, AND make payments on my Jaguar this year.”
 

“It totally SUCKS to be a beautiful Asian professional in my late 20’s awash in a salary fat enough to fund a social services program in Mississippi for ten years and be raped by the Gov’ment for another 3K off the top. …I have no choice but to cancel that 14^th weekend in the Hamptons this year.”

“Well, honey, we don’t have to pay Uncle Sam any more than we did last year, but I’m still just plain un-fucking-happy about my $180,000 income for doing nothing.”
 

“Jesus Christ… How could you do this to us, God? We were born white and you burdened us with four children? Seriously? We’re left with no choice but to jump off the George Washington. I can’t see how Chauncey, Blake, Daphney, and Chance can survive without a cut of our life-insurance.”